The Vicious Cycle of:

I’ve written about many different things on many different blogs. I have about six blogs and I try to keep up with three of them. It’s been hard. I don’t want to sound like I am whining because I’m not. I’m just at a point where I’m beyond exhausted. I can see several paths ahead of me and I’m not sure which one I should take.

I recently started full time working in retail. Which is great because it means more money and benefits. I actually secured the position and I’ve been working with that company for less than six months. I like to move fast. I like promotions and I like to be rewarded. Oh, how I love rewards.

However, with each reward I still seem to fall short of where I need to be. I just cannot seem to figure out how to make it so things work together easily. Full time means more money but it also means less time. Less time to write, less time to dream and less time to work with my horses.

My horses- I love them dearly and I really don’t want to give up on them but I’m tired of fighting a losing battle. I keep talking about how I’m going to start a breeding program. I’ve started making contacts within the horse industry and I’ve started laying down the flagstones for that path. All great things but I don’t know if I’ll go down that path. I’m losing hope that I’ll be able to make something of myself. I’m starting to slip into being a glassy eyed person who keeps her head down and avoids all opportunities at becoming something more.

I’ve had to make a lot of concessions. I’m a better person because of my experience but I’m really tired of suffering. That is where I’m at. Exhausted and hoping that I don’t have to give up but I’m pretty sure I do. What do I have to give up? I’m not sure yet.

Things are moving forward but they feel like they are moving backwards. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever be financially sound and if I’ll ever have a place to call my own.


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