The Times

Julie and Fae January 2015

Julie and Fae January 2015

Fae August 6th 2013 3AM

Fae August 6th 2013 3AM

Fae's first steps August 6th 2013

Fae’s first steps August 6th 2013

Fae was born August 6th, 2013 after 362 days of waiting and worrying and pacing and uncertainty. This plain little filly came out more beautiful and amazing than I could have ever imagined. I love her to bits and I am so proud of Julie. She was (and is) such an amazing mother. She took everything in stride (I know it’s a pun). Both horses have moved multiple times and they’ve never put up a fuss nor did anything wrong. They are both worth their weight in gold.

I am exhausted though, after 17 months of owning those two (and moving several times and having to give up a third horse to a rescue because I couldn’t afford her) I am at my wit’s end. I take care of them every day. I love them, I do, but I just want to be able to breathe. I want to enjoy them instead of rushing through their care. Fae wants attention as does Julie. Both horses need regular work not because they are crazy but because they want jobs. I bred Julie because I wanted a foal from her. I love her movement and I wanted to make sure her bloodline would live on after she passed. As I reflect on everything though, I’m wondering if I’m digging myself into a bigger hole.

Things look like they are getting better on the outside, but they aren’t. I moved back home (yes, I don’t pay rent) and I got a full time job (yes, I have a full time job) but I’m not close to where I want to be. In fact, I feel as though I’m as far from my goals as possible. I’m struggling with debt and with an incurable disease. I have so much doubt and fear that I just want to throw in the towel and walk away. I know I shouldn’t. I know that I have to keep pressing on but I just don’t know why. I’m broke. All of my money goes to my horses. On reddit I was reminded that horses aren’t a right but a privilege. I’d go a step further and say they are a responsibility.

Most people would have sold the horses by now. It’s the logical thing to do; but I am not most people. When my mom asked me why I wouldn’t sell them I said “I should just get rid of them because it’s not convenient for me? Because I have to make sacrifices? That’s what [my father] did. I don’t want to be like him.”

The crux of the situation is that I’ve been let down by a lot of people. I’ve been cast aside by many who no longer feel I am important enough to care about. My biological father was selfish (I’ve written about him and I’ve done vlogs about him too) but my stepfather was also selfish. He, my step dad, stopped living after his sister and mom died (both from cancer). He took to the bottle and to smoking weed. He gave up fighting for his family and he let his cancer take him. He died two weeks after I graduated college; and it was just another reminder as to why I don’t let people into my life.

The truth is- they will leave you. Through death or decisions, they leave. 

I’ve kept my horses because I need them. Whenever I hit a dark spot they are what keep me from going over the edge. My thoughts always turn to who will take care of them? Will they be ok? You can’t leave them. I am more attached to them than I am to my family because my horses won’t leave me but my family.

My mom is starting a new chapter in her life. I’m excited for her, but I’m scared, because she is selling my childhood home and her new place will be too small for anyone else but her.

I’m at my wit’s end because I don’t have the money to rent and I don’t have any place to live. I have three cats I have to think about. Most people would say get rid of them but I can’t/ won’t. They are my responsibility. I made a commitment to them and I’m not going back on it.

I’ve been so self centered lately. I keep pushing people away because I can’t deal with them. I’m drowning and I don’t have any way of keeping afloat. My job doesn’t pay enough for me to sustain myself and my horses and my cats. I don’t have anyone to turn to for help (let’s face it any help people give me is short lived. I’ll wear out my welcome in no time.)

Yes, there are things that might happen. There are ideas and half thought of schemes, but at this very second, none of that matters. I’m dealing with the repercussions of a car accident where I hit my head pretty badly. I thought the whole personal injury process would be quicker than it is; but my lawyer is unhelpful (just another man who has let me down) and I’m getting sick of empty promises.

That is what I’m getting- empty promises.

Get a college degree & you’ll make more money.

Believe in God and he’ll always provide.

Just believe and it will work out.

I’m a hard worker but it’s not enough. When I go to the barn I ignore everyone there, because I don’t want to interact with them. It’s too much work. People always let you down and so I have to do everything myself. I love my horses so very much; I want to be able to have a well paying career and enjoy them but I just don’t see how it is possible.

Yes, I’ve started developing my writing portfolio; for goodness sakes’ I’ve been published in the Trakehner magazine and I am the editor for the spring edition. I need to start working on it. The deadline is coming up fast. There is a lot I want to do as I wrote about on my main blog and I have a lot of ideas but I’m getting worn out. It is best described by this poem written by yours truly. However, it’s a bit clunky and needs some tweaking.

I’m not looking for some guy to swoop in and save the day. I think Ilona Andrews writes it best: I can’t find where the excerpt is for the line I’m looking for so I will paraphrase it “I used to carry myself home bloody and dirty. I would clean my wounds and take care of myself but it was lonely no one was there to say ‘I’m glad you’re still alive and you made it back safe.’ Now, if I’m missing or don’t answer a call I know someone is out looking for me and I’m no longer alone.”

I’m veered off from the main point of my post but I’ll bring it back. I love my animals. I do. They make my life worth living but they can’t reciprocate the care I provide. They don’t call me to make sure I’m ok. They can’t go out and pick up food if I’m too exhausted to make something. They are my responsibility. One I am fully committed to, but sometimes, I wish I had someone who was willing to share the burden. Someone who would say “You’ve got this and when you feel like you don’t I’m here and I’ve got it.”  I want to be with someone who is excited about what I’m excited about even if he isn’t passionate about it. Someone is here in the physical world; someone to walk beside and to dream and plan with. I don’t need anyone in my life. I don’t need people to survive but their company is something I enjoy. I don’t need my horses to continue living but they make my life better. I am who I am because I’m stubborn and I’ve fought to accomplish this much.  I just don’t know if I can keep on fighting. Kate, the main character in Ilona Andrews’ stories, is a fighter; a killer. I love her grit and determination but I am not a killer. That doesn’t mean I’m not a fighter but fighting without an end in sight is draining and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stay in the battle.

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